How Life would be Different if Orser Won the Gold

As we continue to celebrate the Winter Olympics, The Canadian Enthusiast has chosen to reprint an article, by request, that we originally printed in February 2008.  New content should be available in the next few days, but in the meantime enjoy reliving the Battle of the Brians!

20 years ago this month, Calgary, Alberta was the site of perhaps the greatest display of athletic achievement in the history of athletic competition - The Battle of the Brians. The history books tell us that, in a battle worthy of a Roman coliseum, the American Brian Boitano out-dueled our Canadian hero Brian Orser. And in doing so, Brian Boitano captured the Men's Figure Skating gold medal in the 1988 Winter Olympics.

Brian Orser's silver medal performance left many Canadians, myself included, confused and distraught. I often think about what my life would be like if things had gone differently that night in Calgary . No depression? No drugs? Would I still be figure skating? Would I be gay? Better still, what of the country, or the world? How would the world be different, if Orser had won the gold?

Well for starters...

Photo copyright Heinz Klutemeier. Taken
from www.canadianexcellence.com

A Brian Orser victory would have truly united Canada from coast to coast, and in the process squashed any potential for a resurgence of Quebec Nationalism. As a result, one can only assume, that there would have been no referendum in 1995, had Brian Orser not overstepped coming out of his triple axle during his free skate performance.

You would see no poverty on the streets of our Canadian cities, if Orser had won gold!

Perhaps, if during his short program Boitano didn't land his two triple salchows with such precision and force, George Bush Sr. would not have won the United States presidency in 1988. A nation torn to pieces by the defeat of their hero on the world's biggest stage would surely be down, confused and looking for change. They would look for something new, fresh and exciting; and they would have found it in Democrat Michael Dukakis.

Canadian homosexuals would have been free to legally marry in 1991, if Orser had won gold.
Perhaps if Orser had managed a triple, rather than a double, lutz in the final moments of his program, a love of country would have been instilled in a young hockey phenom in London, Ontario. Maybe then, in the summer 1991, after being drafted first overall by the Quebec Nordiques, Eric Lindros would elect to join the team for training camp in the fall. Lindros, one could speculate, would then lead the Nordiques to 5 straight Stanley cups in the mid-nineties. This success would help to keep the franchise in Quebec City and, maybe most importantly, would mean that Mats Sundin, drafted first overall by the Nordiques in 1989, would never have the misfortune of playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Trade between America and Canada would not be free, if Orser had won the gold.

It is safe to assume that, with the golden Brian Orser as their spokesperson, the Canadian Cancer Society would have seen an unprecedented rise in donations in the years following the Olympics. Potentially, if Orser had just managed to tighten up his triple toe loop midway through the long program, we would now have a cure for cancer.

Moxy Früvous would never have become popular, if Orser had won the gold!

It is not without reason to suggest that Brian Mulroney would have served a 3rd term in office, if Orser had won the gold. With separatism and free trade no longer alienating the public, the government of Brian Mulroney would no doubt enjoy unprecedented approval in its second term. The addition of Canadian Icon Brian Orser as a candidate for the riding of Simcoe North in the 1993 campaign would only add to the public's approval. After wining a 3rd majority Mulroney would likely continue to govern until 1996, when he would step down, handing the party over to his natural successor - the Minister of State for Fitness and Amateur Sport, Brian Orser.

John Candy would still be with us, if Orser had won gold!

Possibly, if Boitano had not flawlessly landed the triple toe loop/double lutz combination during the free skate, communism would not have fallen. It seems likely that, emboldened by the great misfortune of the American skater, Mikhail Gorbachev would iron-fistedly t hr ow closed the iron curtain, and, in a fit of tyranny not seen since the days of Stalin, he would order all Russian athletes to the Gulags, asking them not to return until they were ready to act a little more like Orser!

There would be no need for Corner Gas, if Orser had won gold!

It is safe to assume that the 1988 made for television film Blades of Courage would have reached a much larger audience, had Orser managed to tighten his crossfoot spin in the dying minutes of his long program. It is safe to say that this Genie award winning film, starring Colme Feore and Rosemary Dunsmore, would have capitalized on the Orser craze following the Olympics and garnered greater critical acclaim, and perhaps even Oscar consideration.

There would be no steroids in baseball, if Orser had won the gold.

The CBC's Greatest Canadian contest would not have had Tommy Douglas as its winner, if Orser had won gold; it would have been Brian Orser.

Yes, the world truly would have been a different, if only Brian Orser had won Gold in Calgary.

Your Guide to the Winter Olympic Games

The 2010 Winter Olympic Games opened on Friday in Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada).  This exciting sporting event unites all of the countries of the world and has brought the world to our doorstep.  It would be a shame if we welcomed them without a thorough and clear understanding of the history and meaning of the Olympic Games.  To save time, The Canadian Enthusiast has prepared, for our dear readers, a brief history of the Winter Olympics in hopes of encouraging more enthusiasm for the Olympics in Canada.

History
The Winter Olympics, known then as the Nordic games, first stared in Stockholm Sweden in the early 1900’s.  The games were created by Anders Ikea, in his first business venture, to give the Swedes a national institution with which to be proud.  The notion of inviting countries from around the world started in 1908, as the Swedes hoped to avert the world’s attention from the growing hostilities in Europe.  Initially the games borrowed greatly from the popular Summer Olympic Games and consisted of the same sports (but on ice). This proved a great success; however, it was also quite dangerous and resulted in several serious injuries, especially those competing in the high jump.

Unfortunately, this all changed in 1909 when Greece filed a law suit against the Winter Olympics for copyright infringement.  A cease and desist order was presented to the organizers of the games, informing them that, “If they wished to continue with an athletic competition during the winter months, they needed to invent their own sports.” 

The Winter Olympic Organizing Committee of Sweden and the Rest of the World (WOOCOSATROTW) created several new sports, and so began the games as we now know them.

Host City
Typically, only a truly world class city is chosen to host the games.  A world class city is defined as one that rises above all others and is at the forefront of political, economic, cultural, social and artistic thinking.  A world class city must have an impeccable reputation, world wide, of innovative thinking, pioneering use of technology, a strong array of cultural and artistic influence and performance, as well as significant socio-economic influence world wide.  Of course it must also be close to mountains.

With opening of the games, it is now time for Vancouver to stand up and join this select group that includes such exceptional cities as Albertville France, Lake Placid USA, Turin Italy and Nagano Japan.

Olympic Torch
The Olympic Torch is one of the most sacred traditions of the games.  The lighting of the Olympic cauldron for the Olympic winter games is borrowed from the Summer Olympics which originated in Greece.   It is no secret that Greek people love to start fires, and the lighting of the Olympic flame is a long standing tradition within the country.

In ancient times the flame had a practical use, when the winners of each event were tossed into the cauldron and burned as a sacrifice, of the most outstanding among them, to the gods.  This tradition was carried on in northern Europe during the middle-ages when athletes of immense talent were burned in the cauldron, as it was assumed that anyone possessing above average athletic skill was likely practicing witchcraft.
Today, thankfully, a more humane approach of giving out medals (see below) to the winners of each event has been instituted.  The flame is still a major part of the games as it burns throughout the event to symbolize sportsmanship and the Olympic spirit, presumably to remind athletes that winning used to result in death and maybe it is better just to compete and be happy rather than devoting everything to beating other people.

Medals
The winners of each event and those who place second and third, all receive a medal.  The great Frankincense shortage of 1936 cause the IOC to cease the practice of awarding Gold, Mir and Frankincense to the top three competitors and replace it with the medals of Gold, Silver and Bronze.  The Olympics are the only sporting event in the world where 2nd and 3rd place are celebrated, which kind of demeans the credibility of them, but it is nice for the families I guess.

Opening/Closing Ceremonies
The opening ceremonies are a gala event that all athletes must attend, in order to check in, get their room assignments and submit their urine for drug testing.  Given that there is often 2000+ athletes, the ceremonies typically take a very long time.  The tradition of entertaining the athletes while they wait with a display of the cultural and artistic traditions of the host country was started in Lake Placid in 1980.
The closing ceremonies end the games.

Countries to Watch
Spain is always a Winter Olympic powerhouse.  Watch for them in almost all downhill and mogul events on the ski hills.  The Italians are always impeccably dressed.  The Swiss continuously bring controversy to the games, as they have a history of poor sportsmanship and often start fights.  The Russians, on the other hand, are the epitome of sportsmanship as cheating, in any form, is considered a horrible sin in Russian culture.

Canada, the host nation, is expected to top their highest medal count of 14, which occurred in St. Moritz, Switzerland in 1928 when the Canadian Team won 3 Frankincense, 5 Mir and 6 Gold.

All and all, the Olympics should make for a very exciting next 17 days!

Enjoy the games!

The Secret Giambrone Text Messages

BREAKING NEWS

Thanks to the very groundbreaking investigative reporting by the Toronto Star, Torontonians awoke today to a real life front page political scandal!  It turns out, according to the trustworthy and credible newspaper, city councillor, mayoral candidate and chair of the TTC Adam Giambrone had cheated on his girlfriend.

Kristen Lucas the jilted 19-year lover claims to have maintained a sexual relationship with the councillor for over a year; she claims she was unceremoniously dumped when Mr. Giambrone announced his candidacy of Mayor and required his real life girlfriend as a political prop.  In a classy move, Lucas released several private text messages to the Toronto Star to verify the relationship.  The Star however chose to print only a select few.  We at the Canadian Enthusiast have been lucky enough to obtain, from an unnamed source, several of the unprinted text messages sent by Mr. Giambrone to Ms. Lucas. I am certain you will find them truly shocking.

December 16,  2008 (11:05 pm) - Had a good time last nite. Nice to meet u - Adam

December 22, 2008 (4:22 pm) – We still on for later?  If you need help with your Arabic homework just let me know.  Adam G

January 4, 2009 (7:47 pm) - Be there soon.  Taking my car…the better way. LMAO!

February 3, 2009 (6:12 pm) - FYI - Rob Ford is really fat.

February 27, 2009 (7:26 pm) - Just took a great nap.  Back to work!  C U 2 Nite!  Addy.

March 12, 2009 (11:05 pm) U should read some of David’s (Miller) poetry.  He is amazing.

April 27, 2009 (9:34 pm) - Just stopped to get a coffee, car is running outside.  I’ll be there in about 7 min.

May 10, 2009 (8:42 am) – Spending Mother’s Day with my elderly parents who live near by.  Stop by your place later tonight?  A-One!

July 12, 2009 (8:21 pm) - Negotiations with the City’s Union have broken off.  Looks like I have the night free.  Wanna do sumthing?

July 16, 2009 (11:15 am) – I swear to God Howard Moscoe doesn’t own a tie.  Seriously.

July 27, 2009 (6:37 pm) - Press conference, Mayor is killing it! I’m in the crowd. Look for me on CityTV @ 11.

August 12, 2009 (1:13 pm) - Adam Vaughn smells like wet wool.

August 29, 2009 (10:57 am) - Gawd some days I wish this was car city, but that is not what DM wants.  I must trust him.

September 25, 2009 (4:21 pm) - I’ll be l8t getting there..have to take the subway (political reasons)

October 8, 2009 (3:17 pm) - Paging patient Lucas. Dr. Giambrone calling.  Your needed on my office couch for a thorough analysis.

October 9, 2009 (5:56 am) - On CP24 Breakfast with Ann Rohmer watch for me!

October 9, 2009 (2:35 pm) - DM came into my office and sat right down on the couch!  OMG all I could think of was last night.

November 1, 2009 (6:53 pm) - Hey don’t tell anyone what I told you last night about the TTC ticket prices, K? Yer the Best!! A – Bomb

November 1, 2009 (6:55 pm) - BTW, I’d like to raise your fares. LOL A-Plus.

November 3, 2009 (3:24 pm) - Sex l8tr?  My office? A- OK!

November 3, 2009 (3:26 pm) - No fare increase to ride the Giambrone rocket tonight!

December 27, 2009 (11:55 pm) -  911! I am running for mayor. 

December 27, 2009 (11:56 pm) - You know I have a girlfriend, right?

December 28, 2009 (12:03 am) – No? Whoops.  I guess we were so busy getting hot and heavy I forgot to mention it.  C U L8tr BB

What to Do if You've Been Date Raped in a Dream

The first thing to remember, if ever you dream that you’ve been date raped, is to remain calm.  Do not panic.  Initially you may feel violated and used, but the important thing is that you are okay.  Stay composed and do not do anything rash.

Initially what you will need to do when you wake from a date rape dream is to do a full body scan to make sure everything is in place working properly. Anything hurt?  Good.  Now, where are you?  Are you in your own bed?  Remember date rape does involve drugging, so it is possible that maybe you were in fact not only dreaming but also actually dated raped as well.  The fact you are in your own bed is a good sign; statistically date-rapists rarely return their victims back to their own beds – especially in dreams.

So if it was only a dream, you will need to start to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

If you remember nothing else from this article, please remember this – dreamed date rape is not the victim’s fault, it is not your fault. It’s the fault of the dream rapist only.  You will never reach the closure that you need until you can take the blame off of yourself.  Many victims find it helpful to confront their date rapist face to face, but since you were dreaming this might be hard for you to do.  The guy in the kimono and leather thong hid his face quite well, and you’ll never track down those Asian hookers.  So, to reach full closure you will have to redirect the blame elsewhere.  Try taking out your frustration on someone else, like a Mississauga Transit employee or a CTV broadcaster; you know, someone who’d be likely to dream a date rape.  

Whatever you do, don’t tell you wife.  It will only lead to problems.  “Why are you dreaming about Asian hookers? Was there cocaine there? Must be nice to sleep long enough that you can dream; I got up 3 times with the baby!” It just isn’t worth it.

Making reference to your date rape dream in your Facebook status is just foolish.

One thing to do that you might not think about doing is checking your sheets to make sure that your date rape dream didn’t turn wet on you.  I know you are not 15, but you were involved in some pretty heavy duty dreaming, consensual or otherwise, so it is just be natural to think that you might have become a little too excited.  Should you have soiled your sheets with ejaculate, clean that shit up and fast.  You’ve already kept your wife up half the night with your tossing and turning, the last thing she needs is to roll over and stick her leg into your business.  What is wrong with you anyway?  You were just dream date raped.  You found that pleasurable?

While you are cleaning up, pay attention to what you wore to bed.  Critically examine your outfit and honestly consider weather it is too provocative.  Those boxer shorts are pretty sexy.  A guy in a t-shirt like that is kinda asking for it, don’t you think?  Maybe you should take some responsibility for this.  After all, you couldn’t blame someone for getting the wrong idea looking at you in that torn and faded Winnipeg Jets T-shirt, could you? 

Once you’ve cleaned your bedding, take a hot shower to clean yourself up.  Avoid the urge to fall dramatically to your knees, crying in the shower. That is a cliché and really is serves no purpose.  Also do not try to scrub the date rape dream away.  That is stupid.  All you will do is make your skin dry and itchy.  Get over it.  It was only a dream.  And, from what I can hear, you actually enjoyed it.  Who dreams about date rape anyway?  Weirdo.

Canada’s New Pie Terror Alert Advisory System

On January 25, 2010, Fisheries Minister Gail Shea, while delivering a speech at the Canada Centre for Inland Waters in Burlington, Ontario, was struck in the face by a pie.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) immediately took responsibility for these actions, claiming that that a pie in the face somehow would stop the seal hunt.  Canadians were outraged and this senseless, although hilarious, act was condemned nationwide.  The future prevention of these horrible attacks has become priority number one in Ottawa and has brought together the country across political lines.  Liberal MP Gerry Byrne has suggested that we immediately consider pieing to be a terrorist act, and that all citizens should be on the lookout for evil-doing members of PETA.

The Institute of Canadian Enthusiasm has joined the cause and, working with CSIS and the RCMP, has helped to develop Canada’s New Pie Terror Alert Advisory System.

 Low  –  If the “pie terror” alert status is low there is no sign of any immediate or realistic threats to the general population, although all Canadians should continue to be alert and aware of their surroundings and possible evil doers.

Citizen Guide:  Remain calm and continue your day to day activities as you would under normal circumstances.  Stay alert and be aware of your surroundings.

Guarded – The status will be upgraded to Guarded should sufficient evidence exist that a known member of PETA, or a sympathizer to their cause, has been seen shopping for supplies to bake a pie.  Clues to look for are the purchase of large amounts of whipped cream, pie filling, pie crust, aluminum pie plates, perhaps even other ready made baked goods.  If the perpetrator’s cart contains any meat or animal by products, he/she is likely only planning to make a pie.  Otherwise, you can not be too careful.

Citizen Guide: Review your emergency plan.  Have plenty of towels and face clothes available, should an attack occur.  Be vigilant and alert to suspicious activity.

Elevated – An elevated pie terror status is indication that our intelligence has shown evidence of large scale baking sessions at several known PETA safe houses, suggesting immanent large-scale attacks.

Citizen Guide: Ensure that emergency procedures are understood and practiced by all family members.  Check to make certain that emergency disaster kit (canned goods, bottled water, first aid supplies) is stocked and ready. Report any strange or dubious activity to the appropriate authorities.

High -The status will be upgraded to high in the event that clear and credible evidence can be shown of pies cooling on window sills, pies and other baked goods being transported to various locations or pies being purchased in large quantities from bakeries or bake sales.  Of course, formal warnings put out by these terror organizations themselves may raise the status to high.

Citizen Guide: Exercise extreme caution when traveling. Post pone any needless trips or vacations.  Stay indoors if possible.  Review your emergency procedures to pass the time.  Stay alert to local and national news for further updates. 

Severe - A severe warning will only be used when we have secured intelligence with clear indication that a PETA member, or a member of an organization with similar beliefs, has infiltrated a government, or celebrity filled, business luncheon or speaking event with a baked good, possibly even a pie, and has the full intention to unleash the pie in the direction of a high profile target with wanton disregard to the bystanders.

Citizen Guide:  Do not, under any circumstances, leave your house.  If your house is within a 10 mile radius of the suspected pie related area, make sure that your evacuation plan is in place and ready to be put into action.  Stay calm and pray.  Review your life; think of what you’ve accomplished and how it could have been different and what you could improve upon.  Did you help your country?  Should you survive, will you? 

What you can do to help:

Be aware – Keep your eyes peeled at all times.  If you are in the grocery store and you see someone who is buying a lot of baking supplies, notify store security or call 911 immediately.  Also Be aware at local coffee shops and bakeries.  Only terrorists buy pies or those fancy éclairs from Tim Horton’s; no one orders a dozen doughnuts anymore.

Notify Authorities – If you spot a suspected terrorist call the RCMP immediately!  Remember often times the terrorists will try to infiltrate our society, so you must be watchful.  They may dress and act like us to trick us into a false sense of security.  They never ever wear leather, so that is one clue.  Otherwise, you can’t be too safe.

Stay vigilant - Don’t let them break your resolve.  Continue to club seals to death!  Continue to eat meat and wear leather and fur products.  Continue to use cosmetics tested on animals.  If we stop these things, for fear of being pied, the terrorists truly will have won.

For more information on how to stop pie related terrorism, or for a thorough list of other dessert related acts of terror, please contact Liberal MP Gerry Bryrne at info@gerrybyrne.ca or visit his website.

http://www.gerrybyrne.ca/index.htm

Fucking Guy was Sleeping at Work!

Hey have you heard about that picture of that TTC guy sleeping at work?  What a fucking guy.  Can you believe that?  He’s like just sitting there sleeping, drooling all over himself right in front of everybody!  Can you believe that? What a fucking guy.

Thank god that fucking guy took his picture. Putting that picture on the internet let everyone know that that fucking guy is lazy.  I bet he got some serious shit from his boss for that.  Damn man, sleeping on the job.  You can’t just explain that shit.  Especially with that picture.  What a fucking guy.

I bet sleeping beauty there probably makes forty bucks an hour or something.  Fucking guy can’t even keep his eyes open for forty bucks an hour!  I heard on the internet they posted a list of people who make like six figures at the TTC and like half of them are ticket collectors.  Fucking guy, sleeping for his money.  My cousin Tim has been trying to get on with the TTC for years, but there is no way.  You gotta be connected to get on there.  Fucking guy is probably connected. No wonder.

People are saying he’s gonna get fired.  No way guy, no way.  In that Union? Are you serious?  Fucking guy is probably so well protected, he’d have to have set up a meth lab in the back of a streetcar and sell that crank all up and down his route to get fired.  Even then he’d probably just get sent to rehab. I’m serious. My buddy’s friend Joe works for the TTC and he’s been to rehab like 7 times.  He’s a good guy, but man he loves the ice.  Keeps him sharp he says.  He drives a bus up Markham Road – ain’t no sleeping on that job.  Maybe that is what this fucking guy needs!

I heard that that fucking guy like saved some dude's life back in the day.  That is great, but man if he really cared about safety he wouldn’t be sleeping on the job. Uhh has this guy even ever heard of terrorism?  Or like what if a kid had fallen on the tracks and was all like screaming for help and this guy is just sitting there sleeping?  Fucking guy man, fucking guy.

Fuck guy, if I was at that station I would have like gone right in and not even paid.  Why bother.  If this fucking guy can’t keep his eyes open to take my $3, then forget about it.  I’m not paying. 

Three fucking dollars guy! That is what it costs now, no joke.  I gotta get a fucking loan just to ride the subway these days.  I don’t make forty bucks an hour like this jag off.  I don’t even make half that.  And I got two kids, who gotta do their homework and shit.  You know what kind math they do in grade 4 now?  No me either, but I gotta explain that shit to my daughter.  And my wife is all like wash this and fix that and don’t be out late.  And the Leaf’s fucking suck.  And I gotta get up at 6 am and probably shovel the friggin driveway and then get the kids to school and go to work and listen to my boss all day long talk about how great he is and how lazy I am and how I can’t friggin do anything right, only to come home and try and figure out the goddamn Pythagorean theorem or some bullshit.  Then I jerk off, go to bed and start that shit all over again.  And I see this tit sleeping on the job. 

Fucking guy!

Potential Conservative Senate Appointments

This past week The Canadian Enthusiast managed obtain a top secret letter being circulated among high ranking Conservative Party staffers.

My Fellow Conservatives,

As you know the prime minister will be naming 5 new Conservative senators sometime in the next few weeks.  As The Leader mulls over his choices, he has asked that I consult with our fellow Conservatives, as a brainstorming measure, in hopes of finding a candidate that will capture the attention of Canadians.

Of course there will be the standard naming of several Tory party stalwarts and contributors, appointed solely for their loyalty to The Leader and the party; however, what the prime minister is really hoping to do is engage Canadians and really make a splash with these appointments.  It is no secret that the last round of appointments went really well and set the Canadian imagination ablaze, resulting in a strong boost to the party in the poles.

If we are to follow last year’s successful model, we will need to address the following categories.  Here are my suggestions:

A Journalist

Since we’ve already managed to recruit Peter Kent, Pamela Walin and Mike Duffy, it may be incredibly difficult to find a good journalistic candidate, especially given the fact that Izzy Asper is dead, Conrad Black is unavailable, and Rex Murphy is from Newfoundland.  Still there are a few decent, if unspectacular, candidates available.

What about Lloyd Robertson? I know Lloyd is getting on in years, but he has always been such a reliable promoter of the Conservative cause.  It would be a shame for him not to be rewarded in his golden years.

That guy in Nova Scotia who asked a question that Stéphane Dion couldn’t understand is also an option.  He served us well in the last election and seems to have just the right amount of doucheyness to be both assertive and complacent to the caucus.

Failing that, there are several unemployed members of City TV across the country, although most of them are from Toronto.

An Illiterate Hockey Coach

The obvious choice for this category is Don Cherry, but, as you know, it has been the longstanding belief in the PMO that Mr. Cherry does more good for the Conservative cause during his 5 minute Coach’s Corner segment than we could ever dream he would in 15 years in the Senate.  For this reason The Leader much prefers to keep him on the outside.

Craig MacTavish – Mac T, as they call him, would be a good candidate, he is smart, well-spoken and likeable; however, his years in Edmonton will likely associate him with losing.  Plus, I think that he can read. And I heard that he once killed a guy.

Iron Mike Keenan – No Stanley Cup here and his moustache is pretty flashy by conservative standards. That said, he is a hard worker and would bring a recognizable name and high profile.

Bob Gainey – Mr. Gainey may have trouble fitting time into his schedule this early, but he should be available full-time in early April.

A Native Canadian

It is important for us, as a party to reach out to our native Canadians and engage them in the political process.  Appointing a native Senator is a shrewd political move, as it will appease this group and translate immediately into votes.  Even if it isn’t what we believe in it looks good and costs us nothing, much like the residential school apology.

The actor Graham Green is my number one choice.  Although a thorough investigation into Mr. Green’s Conservative beliefs will have to be launched, as I am worried he may vote Liberal.  Nevertheless, I could not think of a more high profile or exciting candidate.

Wade Redden – Rumour has it, although the internet doesn’t really confirm it, hockey player Wade Redden is part Métis.  His years playing in Ottawa ensure that he knows his way around the inner workings of the city. Not to mention the fact that the team is called the Senators for goodness sakes - a bit of an omen don’t you think.

Deepak Obhrai – I’ve never heard of this guy, but apparently he is our MP for Calgary East.  His internet bio says that he is of Indian decent, so that is perfect.  Plus, moving him to the Senate would allow us to parachute a more high profile candidate into that very important riding – like Lanny MacDonald.

An Academic 

This one is a toughy, but I think there is one guy who is perfect for the job.  He is arrogant, intelligent and a well known in academic circles for his sharp mind.  He has written numerous books, many condoning torture and preemptive war.  He supported the war in Iraq.  And, much like The Leader, his views are typically Conservative, but he manages to filter them through a populist lens making him appear more open and flexible that he is really is.  The only problem is he is currently leader of the Liberal Party.

Spouse or Family Member of a Cabinet Minister

As you know, The Leader views most of our cabinet minister as morons, so finding a strong candidate amongst their spouses might be a tough sell.  Peter Mckay is getting married soon, but there is a fear his wife to be would cross the floor the Liberals (lol).

The best candidate would be Stockwell Day’s wife Valorie Day. Stock’s been a loyal soldier.  The family should get rewarded.

I am going to think a little outside of the box here a little bit and suggest perhaps The Leader’s son Benjamin Harper.  This would not only ensure that proud Conservative blood was put into the Senate, it would also secure the Harper family’s political legacy for years to come.  Ben is maturing and just might be ready for the job.  He is getting to the age where he likes to spend more time with his friends and little less time with his dad, but he is still his father’s son.  The down side is that to achieve this will require us to make a substantial change to Constitution of Canada, as presently it states that all Senators must be a minimum of 30 years of age.

This is just a starting point my friends.  Please mull this list over and send me your suggestions.  These 5 senators will finally even up the Senate, making it easier for us to pass our legislation.  That combined with the majority that we have to win in the next election should put us one step closer to finally realizing the hidden agenda!

Preston Clark
Assistant to the Deputy Associate Secretary for the Conservative Party of Canada.